so okay, i've been in quite the negative mood the past week or more. its why i havent left my house.
its why i've avoided text messages and phone calls and kept my personal appearances brief and inebriated. its hard to deal with text messages saying "OMIJEEZE come to this plaaace! You should SO be here! omijeeeze!" because people dont understand that my lack of response is because i really have nothing nice to say.
i'm stressed and depressed but mostly stressed because i have my final dui hearing on monday in Texas.
Yes...i'll be going to texas this weekend, before i have to appear in court on monday and i am NOT looking forward to it. my lawyer has done a good job thusfar yeah, i mean, i get to keep my license and dont have to have one of those breathalyzer dealies on my stearing wheel--they even mailed my license back to me! which i was told would never happen.
Buuut he's advising that when i show in court, i am prepared to pay the full amount of fines and court fees and whatnot that day because it'll lessen the overall time and amount and severity of my sentance.
It'll result in probation regardless, and it'll probably be about two years, but paying the full amount upfront in cash will guarantee that my annual payments arent as high as they could be, get me out of actually having to report to a probation officer, AND completely cut out any community service requirement.
i've been trying to scrape together the projected 1300 dollars for the past couple of weeks now and i still had to borrow money from my mother and my aunt..degrading, but necessary.
i'm still scared of the whole thing because honestly it hasnt been finalized and thats what the hearing is for. Whereas my lawyer has done this kind of case time and time again and can pretty much forecast the outcome, i still dont trust it because my lot in life is one of major inconvenience. Nothing catastrophically bad ever happens, but things that are tedious, drawn out, and hinder me from doing the things i want always happen.
I've been losing sleep over it, wondering how and when i'm going to be able to pay my mom and my aunt back for their assistance. WISHING i didnt have to be in court so i could at least make a little extra money with gigs this weekend, and trying to come up with new ways to find regular work in a quick way...and more importantly more money in a quick way.
Money is the one thing that pisses me off more than anything else in the world.
like time, you never have enough of it. it always slips away, and when you think you have it, you dont have it.
i couldnt sleep last night, so i got out of bed at about 8 (after laying down at 5 and not sleeping) to work on the next flyer for sukeban...
i got a phone call from my student loans collection department. apparently i'd forgotten to call them back a few months ago when they called asking me if i was able to "pay in full" before six PM that day.
i could have sworn i called them back--but upon recalling the instance, i couldnt remember an outcome of the situation...
i lied and said i was on the way to work and could talk.
its just frustrating.
my mom is low on funds, as she took a job that pays her less than half her usual salary because she'd been out of work for about six months...she can barely pay her own bills, let alone front me money for my stupid mistakes.... and i CERTIANLY dont have the dollars to pay legal stuff and student loans at once while continuing my current path.
all the while i learn of people i know getting opportunities and getting jobs and getting chances to showcase their "skills" that (i think) are vastly sub-par to my own....yet i get overlooked in the same circles.
people tell me i'm "creative" and "talented" and "pretty" and all those things that other people wish someone would say, yet here i am.
and filled with horrible regrets of things i should have done differently.
so yeah. thats where i am right now.
wondering why i cant make it work and wondering how everyone else can. i'm not saying other people have an easier time with making ends meet than i do. i know i'm stubborn and unwilling to compromise, unwilling to settle, and unwilling to easily fall in line with the normal route of things...but its not that i dont try.
anyway...long story short, i'm having a moment.