so,most people dont get me, first and foremost.
in many ways i dont understand the world or society or human nature.
now that thats all out of the way, lets get to it... today was a day like any other in my usual cycle of rediculosity...i slept for about 20 hours with no intention of waking up, and once i realized i should be awake, i fell back to sleep. over and over and over again it happened. those weird waking reams where you feel like youre conscious and know you should be up and at 'em; so you try to move your arms. unyielding, your limbs remain in a state of paralysis, though you're aware of it, and FINALLY after what seems like hours you wake up from that dream into another dream where you wake up into the "real" world.
throughout the day i remained groggy.
three cups of coffee later, i had a rockstar, for two hours i was functional...after a possible decade of being non-functioning.
eventually, long after the sun had set i went out into the world.
all night, people asked "whats wrong?" "are you okay?" "why are you sad?" noticing the visible divide between me and them, no manner of rabble could rouse me.
i just want to make sure everyone knows that its due to no fault of theirs. its november now, and holidays are looming overhead.
i'm a seasonal depressive, this is my black time. occasionally it comes and goes in a matter of hours.
sometimes i just cant be touched. sometimes my hand cannot be held. most times, if you touch my back, i tense and cringe and it only makes things worse.
deal with it.
i have for my entire life and i'm sorry i dont respond to hu-mon interaction.
i should have stayed in tonite.
i should have gone into a coma once the sun went down.
i dont want to be a burden and i dont want to hinder anyone's good time. its just the way i am and always have been. i dont want to talk about love or relationships or what my ideal man might be.
as of right now i have no ideal, all men are horrible, all love is useless, and all sex is disgusting.
thats just right now.
i'm jealous and sensitive and angry and filled to the brim with rage. this time will pass and i can be amongst people again eventually.
just not for the second.
even though i want to be outside, i know i shouldnt because it will only make things worse.
sorry....i just had to get that out there and now i'm going to bed with a bottle of red wine--even though i hate red wine, i have a bottle, and i plan on it being gone by the morning.
i cant wish for sweet dreams, but i can wish for no dreams what so ever.
its all so horribly fucked. optimism is not on the menu for tomorrow.